Kitten Therapy

Here's a kitten for all that ails you. Little Cleo is causing some chaos in our house right now, but she's so darn cute!

What's Been Going On

I've tried to write and post several times in the last few weeks, but something keeps stopping me. I'm a fairly private person, and it is difficult to write to the internet about something so intensely personal. It's so tempting to put the whole thing under an academic glass and examine the cultural and sociological reasons why I've been so blocked by a recent diagnosis.

I was rediagnosed with PCOS a few months ago, after a horrible few weeks that led the doctors to first believe I was having a miscarriage. A miscarriage, though upsetting, was somewhat good news to me, since my husband and I have been trying for more than a year to get pregnant. The good part was that we actually could get pregnant.

However, the problem didn't go away. I felt worse and worse, and I knew something was wrong, so I went back to the doctor. After a few more tests, the doctor discovered that I had multiple cysts, one up to 3cm in size, and that I most likely have not ovulated properly in a long while.

I'm trying to remain optimistic through all this. I've been put on a few different medications to get everything back to normal, but I'm constantly thinking about the fact that this condition means that I may never conceive. Sociologically and culturally, this makes me less than a whole woman, and it is hard not to feel that sting personally. I'm trying to remain hopeful that we will be able to have at least one child eventually, but each month that goes by makes it tougher and tougher to maintain that optimism.

Creativity

I've been thinking a lot lately (as always) about creativity and what drives it. I think it's probably not a coincidence that most people who study literature only publish books about literature, instead of writing their own creative works. I can only think of a few off the top of my head (Toni Morrison, Anna Akhmatova) and I would certainly argue that they primarily wrote creative works with just a few analytical ones peppered in there.

I think learning to take literature apart, bring it down to the bare bones, takes some of the mystery out of writing. When I write something, my first reaction is to think that it seems contrived, that my literary devices are completely transparent. Nobody (especially not me) wants to read something completely transparent. Leave those pulp novels to the grocery store shelves - even in my "junk" reading I can't stand over-literal interpretations of the world.

I think this lies at the heart of my problem. I haven't written anything truly creative since I left Russia. I felt very inspired there, and looking into the window of another world fed my creative mind. This isn't that surprising - I often had to be extremely creative just to find solutions to every day problems. It's not surprising that it would inspire other creative ventures. Here, things are much more simple, and 4 years of studying theory has really numbed that part of me. Since returning from Russia, I've used my hands more to create things - sewing, crocheting, making jewelry, etc. I love doing these things, but don't entirely want to give up on my dream of publishing a novel some day. As always, there are so many barriers - time and inspiration being the foremost.

Blargh

I'm sick, dizzy and uninspired. I'll post when I can go more than 5 minutes without blowing my nose.

The Medium Matters

Posting has been light lately because I've been having a few health problems that I don't really want to discuss here. I have to wait a few weeks to get back to the doctor for some follow-up anyway. Along with all that, though, I've been feeling somewhat blase about everything, which means uninspired.

However, I've thought to myself more than once that I would love to be able to express my creativity in painting landscapes. If I had any talent whatsoever, I probably would take it up. If my painting skills are anything like my drawing skills, however, I'd probably just end up with a bunch of stick figures on expensive canvasses. What I'd love to paint are the many moods of our mountains to express how I'm feeling.

Ever since I visited the Tretyakov Gallery, I've considered painting to be one of the more expressive art forms. I find it particularly amazing that painters can convey volumes with empty landscapes, such as this one by Ivan Aivazovksy (titled, Black Sea"



I consider myself fairly talented in a lot of artistic genres, and love working with my hands to create traditional "women's folk art," but painting, drawing, and other visually oriented arts have always eluded me. The theme that runs through everything I create is that it is useful. Perhaps my yearning to paint is a desire to create something that has no discernible use, but instead has only an aesthetic purpose.

So, readership, the question is, which art form would you take up in order to express yourself, if you had the talent?

Black Bear in Electronics Store!

A bear tried to break in to a Circuit City in Colorado Springs. Awesome.



The story and video is here. (Image stolen from same location)

Obligatory Post

I feel somewhat obligated to write and say, "Yup, still alive." In fact, I feel like my blog is full of occasional posts, and even more frequent excuses and promises to get better about blogging. This is another one of those posts.

Things have been rough the last few weeks. I will post something substantial sometime soon.